i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
