OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
