I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She bit a glass in half.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
