here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
