Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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