alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
