I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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