My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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