Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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