sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
