Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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