I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
