Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
