Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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