THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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