Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
