i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Semen is not good for contacts.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize