im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
