if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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