well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
