some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
