Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
