I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
