Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
