just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
