Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
