Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
