you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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