i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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