I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
