Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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