sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
