really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
