Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
