I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
