her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other news, I just burned my penis
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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