that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
birth control should be required to get into college
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
