Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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