I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't deserve a penis
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
