Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
