Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
