I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
