Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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