my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
