I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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