Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
