i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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