i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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