i think my tv is drunk
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
