So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
